Just Another Girl Next Door

Growing up each of us hears that one saying that sticks with you mentioned by an adult.

Mine was, "You're going to be a heart-breaker".

It came from a sibling's best friends' mom when I was about 13 years old. I remember thinking, "What does that even mean?". Today in my mid-thirties, it kind of taunts me. Almost like a small voice or self-criticism I don't need in addition to all the others we tend to tell ourselves on a daily basis.

Putting the past to pasture or giving it to God by sharing with your Pastors includes these types of nagging uninspiring words that swirl around in our heads continually. We are not the words someone said on a whim or we tell ourselves. We are more much much more. It's up to us to flip that script.

Others may have heard...

"That kid is nothing but a trouble maker."

"You'll never make it."

"Who do you think you are?"

"You don't deserve that."

"Why in the world would you do that?"

"How could you?"

"That's not art."

"You're not tall/smart/cute/pretty/etc. enough."

"Who do you think you are?"

"I have failed you as a teacher."

I am going to express how words can linger for a lifetime if you let them.

Today we can Google things. So here it is and it still stings a little cutting and pasting this in here.

Heart-breaker

/ˈhärtˌbrākər/

noun

noun: heart-breaker

1. 1.

a person who is very attractive but who is irresponsible in emotional relationships.

"he was such a heart-breaker, charming and incorrigible"

These words don't define me and isn't who I am. Deep down I know I am very responsible with relationships. Potentially could be too thoughtful about one's feelings. Caring and being thoughtful is NEVER a bad thing. I'll never compromise on those characteristics from me to another. Why? I am a believer of you "reap what you sow". Throughout the "not meant for me" relationships, I have thought to myself, "These folks must not want someone caring, thoughtful and independent. They must desire something difficult and fleeting." When in reality, they just weren't my match. I didn't break their hearts and they didn't break mine, but our hearts weren't meant to be together. That's completely okay. Why? Because...

"I just have to trust there's something better for me out there swirling around in the universe." - "Never Say Never" by Tristan Prettyman

We as humans must debunk those words said and meet them head on. Even if we know it's going to be tough or hurt. Why, you ask? Because you are worth it.

Live for you today. That's all we are promised my friends.

My journey below is a reflection on me being a "heart-breaker". I am not and will never label myself as one. This is just my journey and only that. Nothing more and nothing less. Super proud to be who I am today and am evolving into moment by moment.

Labels aren't required or necessary. Let's just love ourselves and others...what if we just did that? Imagine that beautiful world...

My Dreams of Love: Here are my ideals for love.

1. Have faith.

2. Never Divorce

3. Laugh Often

4. Someone to assist in carrying the heavy things.

5. Best Friend

6. Partner in Crime for Fun Adventures

7. Crafty Crapper/Artistic

8. Digs Animals and Critters

9. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

10. There are small things but those are the big-mama-jama's.

My Past Love Story: Here are things "said" to me in the past.

1. You're Amaze-balls a.k.a. You're Amazing

2. Best I've ever had.

3. You're the nicest person but...it's not going to work.

4. Can we try again?

5. You can count on me.

6. Not solo no mo.

7. You're Mother Theresa. (If they really knew...)

8. I want to kiss you, but I am no good for you. I don't want to do that to you. (Mind you, I wanted that kiss very badly.)

9. I really liked you back then and still do.

10. I don't think kids are in my future.

11. I can't believe you're really here.

12. So glad not to have to do the dating scene again.

13. Thanks for being you.

14. I really like you and want to see where it could go.

Note: Those are all things of the past...the plan for me wasn't with them. There is much peace with this admission.

My Recent Love Story: Bouncing back up and dusting myself off.

1. 0 - 34 years old single and dated. I waited with frustration, anxiety (once I hit my 30's) and most of the time with patience. Then...one day...

2. 2015

• Met the man of my dreams

• Loss of a mother

• Moved in together

1. 2016

• Got pregnant

• Stopped drinking

• Got engaged

• Loss of a beloved Aunt

• Married the man of my dreams

• Our daughter arrived

• Diagnosed with cardiomyopathy

1. 2017

• Raised a little person

• Reached out to a therapist

• Loss of a job

• We were diagnosed with another medical issue. One we couldn't mend/fix.

• Survived

1. 2018

• Started eating healthier

• Worked on mental & heart health fully

• Separated - Still seeking therapy

1. 2019

• Divorce was final

• Processing all the emotions

Phew! That was a lot in a short period of time...

My Current Love Story: Hugging the amazingly bright future.

1. Almost 37 years old and enjoying the empty space that chaos and compromise took up.

• The Shire as is = gratefulness. It's time to embrace, gratefulness and visualizing me right where I am meant to be.

• Our beautiful creation/daughter will always know my heart and love. Today and forever more. My beautiful wedding ring is replaced by the promise ring to our little lovey dovey.

• The animals of The Shire are aging and will be cuddled more and adored as they grow closer to the rainbow bridge.

• Most of all, I'll embrace me as me and enjoy each day as they come. Cups fill and will fill others. Pretty grateful to just have the cup, even if there are a few chips in it.

We are reminded to make "right" choices often. Even if they don't work out, we'll make it. Promise. That's the exciting part of life. It's always changing and surprising us. The unknowing and enjoying whatever is in front of you at this very moment. We at that point can carry those lessons on hopefully to assist others. That's the point y'all....to help others. Just don't forget to ask for help when YOU need it.

Do you know, when I wrote most of this no one knew about it? When at dinner with 2 dear friends (of over 10 years) one brought up that I had told her early in our friendship, "you are a very sexy person". Honestly, I've never been that and made that observation in "awe" of her appeal. Cute and bubbly is one thing but that type of appeal is special and you're born with it. Thankfully those words were taken to heart in a positive manner. Turns out she reflects back on it fondly. I was relieved to hear that.

The words one speaks we may not even know how it mattered to that person they were being expressed to. Be mindful, dear, readers. Be mindful.

"...Be quick to listen and slow to speak and slow to become angry..." - James 1:19

"Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and truth." - 1 John 3:18

Songs:

"Never Say Never" by Tristan Prettyman

Books:

That helpful little thing we call the Bible.